It's hard to deal with being "an outsider", especially with your own friends. Master said I don't need them, but I know I want to fit in. I work in an association now, despite Master' preferences. He said I'm not healthy enough, I doubt it's real. I get it, I'm not great, yet I have that need to be active. Slacking off was cool, but I can't stay inside the house. To go back with loneliness, I never really fit in. When I was a kid, I barely had friends. As a teenager, I was well aware I was not like the others. That lead to isolation, even when I was chatting with the others. I have a few online friends, which I like to talk to, but none seems that close. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, or if there's no such thing as "soul mates", or even if that special link between true friends exist. I feel alone, that's all. Master feels a bit distant, jealous of my occupation, I think he wanted me to him alone. I understand, but what an asshole. I still want him near me. When I'm at work, I feel fine but lonely, when Master is there, I feel better.
I get that trying to get better is hard and help is needed, but I can't help but wonder if these people are even trying. Whatever if it's because of my own pride or experience, I still don't like how much my relatives and friends relies on others to change. They rely on their friends, on their meds and their therapists to change, with putting little to no effort to actively do anything about it. Master told me that it takes time to get better, it's not just laziness or a lack of motivation, but I still hate how winny some of my relatives are. You all are adults, no one is going to save you but yourself. Fucking learn how to cope with your issues before it bites you in the ass and you end up in the psych war, or worse, dead by your own hands. I don't care how sad and pathetic you are, grow the fuck up. It's frustrating because you love these people, you guide them to help them change for the better, but it seems like being pathetic and dramatic is their job. Your problems won't go away because you cry about it very loudly, buddy.
To get back to what I was talking about yesterday, I 've always been an outsider of some sort. You know the drill : being bullied in primary and middle school, your family sees you as the weird one, can barely fit in any friend group, even those groups no one likes... That's life when you're an autistic freak. I don't like or want to fit in much, beyond being respected and tolerated. I do know I'm not great and my lack of greatness is obvious to those who knows me, and yet, there's something so lonely about not feeling close to anyone. I do have friends that I like, but I'm still not that muhc in touch with them as I'd like to believe. That gives me mixed feelings towards those around me, from mild friendliness to destain and avoidance. I live a relatively double life : as much as I don't do crimes or mischieves behind anyone's back, I tend to switch between very friendly and energetic, and reserved and a bit hostile. I don't hate people per say, but I can't relate to them like they do with each other.
Master had scolled me for being so hatefull and aggressive, and I get it, but he should know that I ain't gonna change. I don't want to, there's an excellent reason for why I'm like this.
Oh do I want to kill people sometimes. I didn't wrote for a while, since I was busy with work and my fucking business. Anyway, I was talking about the desire to kill, actually I aint gonna kill anyone. What's happening is that one of my friend has been really annoying, not the kind you'd ban them for it (I use they/them to keep their identity private), but the kind you'd wanna block and trashtalk behind their back, which I did not. Master said it's not good, it makes you seem like an asshole, but I still want to blow that steam off. I did a few times and yet I'm still angry. And those actions aren't even remotely harmfull, just fucking annoying, like changing the server's pfp to their own RP bullshit character's face, or inviting people before warning first, or making every single description of each channels praises to themselves... Absolutely not harmfull, still makes me want to tear my own skin off.
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