If you've clicked on this page, you're either interested in how it is like to grow up disabled without any proper diagnosis, in the process of getting one, or you might be questionning if you might be neurodivergent yourself. This is my story, and while you may relate to some of my experiences, relating to them doesn't mean you are neurodivergent. Having one trait or one shared experience doesn't mean you're autistic or ADHD or whatever. Please doesn't skip the "information" segment just because it bores you, especially if you're not sure if you are neurodivergent yourself.

What's a diagnosis, how it is done and the limits of it.

A diagnosis, in the context of psychiatry and psychology, is when a mental health professional classifies your symptoms according to a classification system. The DSM-V is the current classification system used by most mental health professionals. To get a specific diagnosis, you have to meet a set number of criterias which includes symptoms, duration, frequency, when the symptoms appears, and most importantly, the differential diagnosis, a segment in which we list disorders that might look like the choosen diagnosis. For example, to diagnose someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we don't stop at "they have the symptoms of it...", we should also make sure that they shown signs of it when they were a child and teenager, these are persistant patterns and not a reaction from a specific person, and that the person doesn't have another mental disorder which would explain the symptomes. BDP may look like Bipolar Disorder, anxiety disorders, other personality disorders, substance abuses, or just being a hormonal teenager.

There are advantages and flaws comming from diagnosis. At best, diagnosis allows doctors to prescribe medication, therapy, helps you to put a word on problems you had for a while, helps you explain your problems to others. At worst, diagnosis are expensive, some doctors aren't well informed enough to do it proprely, you might trap yourself in your diagnosis and use it as a shield against critism. Diagnosis aren't an identity. They're part of it, of course, but not because of the diagnosis itself, but because your experiences builts who you are. They're also every changing, meaning if you're classified as autistic right now, maybe in the next edition of the DSM, you're no longer autistic but something else (which isn't new. Asperger's syndrom used to be a diagnosis, but now, people who were Aspies are now just on the autism spectrum).

A self diagnosis is when an individual classifies themselves according to the DSM-V. Currently speaking, we have no scientific proofs that a self diagnosis is harmfull on a broader scale. No matter if you're pro or anti self diagnosis, if you feel like there's a problem with you, please seek a professional. Don't stop at researches and that self diagnosis.

Diagnosis can be easy to do, even if they're often very complicated to make proprely. It takes time to understand someone, how their brain processes informations, to get all the informations needed and pick appart every single diagnosis that could be applied to someone (and that if we exclude comorbid/multiple diagnosis...). Some doctors are straight up uneducated, even if they claim to be specialists, you may not have the money to pay for therapy and frequent visits to a psychiatrist, or for medication. Diagnosis kinda suck but they're necessary if you want to get help, unfortunately.

Growing up neurodivergent

I was born in 2003, and started school in 2006. I don't really remember my pre-school/kindengarden years (I don't know how you call the school you go to between the ages of 3 to 6 years old), but I do remember being easily distracted. Finishing my work was hard, especially if it needed me to be carefull. Any noises from outside was enough to make me look around and I was very reckless for a young child. If I may quote, from grade books "Barely focusing, disorganised". Primary school wasn't any better. I was rushing my works, talked impulsively, had little to no friends (and if I had some, they were from the special ed class or a grade below mine), and growing anxious. Of course, for any parent or teacher, those signs were alarming, but I didn't see a therapist until I turned 8 years old. At this age, I was encouraged to seek a therapist to talk about my problems. However, instead of focusing on the bullying I was the victim of, the therapist focused on my good grades despite not being able to focus for long. I had to pass an IQ evaluation, was diagnosed high-potential, and now all my problems were treated as "consequences of my high IQ".

In 2009, a book titled "Too smart to be happy" (Trop intelligent pour etre heureux), by Jeanne Siaud-Facchin was released. She's a therapist and within her book, she details how adults with high IQs were suffering from...basically a bunch of neurodivergent symptoms like anxiety, hypersensibilities, socialisation issues, rapid thinking, etc. Even though this book was basically just a collection of "Wow, undiagnosed adult with a neurodeveloppemental disorder has depression and anxiety ?!", this book was used by other therapist, and what was just an undirect corelation became "high IQ = mental illness". This link is not only false but straight up bullshit, it's kinda like saying "when your car goes above 120km/H, it moves backwards". Why am I talking about this book ? It's because, in France, where I lived my whole life, it had a huge effect on how therapist diagnosed and treated high IQ kids and adults.

I would have been diagnosed at 8 years old if that fuckass therapist digged deeper than just "hypersensitive smart kid".

Teenage years

I didn't see any therapist between the ages of 8 to 15. During that time, my only means of being accepted was blending in, copying others, pretending as if everything was fine. Was I suffering ? Yep. Was it becoming more difficult each days to focus and have good grades ? Absolutely. But was anyone taking me seriously the only few times I said I wasn't being a stubborn moron and needed help ? Lol nope ! So here I was, struggling more and more. Sure, now I had friends but my grades sank down like hell and I didn't matured emotionally. I could cry everyday over nothing and then be all happy go lucky, showing signs of abandonnement issues, and more clear signs that shit wasn't fine but STILL wasn't taken seriously. At 15, I went to see my highschool's therapist, and after telling her how I felt about my mother (who was abusive and neglectfull), she fucking called her and now I no longer had safe places to talk. I completly shut off any attempt to seek help until I moved out. There's nothing more to add here, since it was mostly just me getting worse and worse, and nobody cared to help me.

In 2020, I moved out from my mother's house since her abuse got unbearable, and went to live with my dad. I had more urgent things to do so no therapy for a while. I got worse mentally speaking, especially with emotional regulation. My anxiety spiked so high, I got some mild psychotic symtoms which I won't elaborate on. No choice, I had to seek therapy.

Before starting the process of getting a diagnosis, as an adult

I kept my issues to myself for a while, since I got no one who would actually listen and help me irl. Sure, my grades got even worst but at this point I couldn't care less. I just wanted to pass my bacalaureat and move on in life. Thank god I got it, but at the cost of nearly getting burned out (not the last time lol). After this, I enrolled in college to get a bachelor in psychology. At this moment I thought "Now I can focus because it genuinely interests me !" Haha, NOPE !

Between the ages of 18 to 20, I was seeking a therapist and psychiatrist because my overall mental health was getting worse. I got diagnosed with BPD and was given medication to treat psychotic symtoms that came and went sometimes. Therapy did helped a lot with emotional regulation, stress management and cognitive behavioural therapy. However, no matter how much I tried, I was still struggling a lot with focus, organisation, impulsivity and socialisation. The psychiatrist encouraged me to seek another professional, as he's not informed on neurodeveloppmental disorders, after I told him I've been struggling my whole life with these issues. Did I do as he said quickly after ? I didn't, which was fucking stupid.

Grades ? Worse. Mood ? Worse. Everything ? Goes apeshit. Me ? Want to fucking die. Un hotel ? Trivago. I can't even describe how painfull it was to see myself fail in something I genuinely enjoyed and wanted to succeed at. In my 3rd year of bachelor, I went to see my doctor and told him that I couldn't focused, I never was able to focus, and my grades were getting worse despite me liking what I was doing. He looked at me straight in the eye and told me :

"Looks like ADHD, you should seek a neuropsychology and a psychiatrist.

Did I thought I was neurodivergent before that day ? Of course I did but it was never serious. But when my doctor said there's a high chance I had ADHD ? Damn that fucking hit hard. I was also encouraged to do DYS-related learning disabilities assesments with an orthophonist to see if I'm dys-something. Turned out I am dyslexic (and pretty severe too), and I learned it the day before my FUCKING FINALS ! But oh well, now I knew something was weird. After my finals, I went to a neuropsychologist. Honestly, I performed well the tests she given me... until I saw "Diagnosis in favour of ADHD, mixed presentation type, mild severity". I had most of the symptoms in both innatention and hyperactivity-impulsivity, and only that day I've fully understood how problematic were these symtomps. I thought "oh it was just making studying difficult" but no, it was making a whole lot of things more difficult. I was encouraged to call the Autism diagnosis center, which I did, and now I'm waiting.

And now ?

I'm not on Ritalin yet, I'm still waiting to see my psychiatrist. The BPD diagnosis was wrong, it was undiagnosed and mistreated ADHD for all of these years, and autism would have its role in it too. I don't regret the therapy I was given in my late teens, but I do regret not seeking better help earlier. I blame the lack of support from my parents, especially my mom. If they actually took time to listen and bring me to a doctor, I would have been taken care off much earlier but I guess mine just didn't cared enough or couldn't bother to break their expectations on me. I remember when I said to my dad that I was diagnosed with ADHD, he said "uuh no, you don't have that, you're just bored and too much on your screens". Thank you and kindly fuck off.

Now I'm planning on trying Ritalin and do more assesstments for other neurdeveloppmental disorders, like dyscalcula and autism. I'll also find a specialist in hearing issues, I might have Auditory Processing Disorder. I genuinely hope shit gets better for when I'll go back to college and do my master degree. I'll update this page for when I started medication. See ya.